im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
