she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
