I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
