Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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