U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
