True but thats because hes a fetus.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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