Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
