I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Enjoy the penises
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
