just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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