HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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