The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
