i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
