I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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