Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
