he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
