I hate all girls vehemently.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
