Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
