I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
