Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
