This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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