I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
