Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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