I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
