Screwed.edu
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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