Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
