he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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