weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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