feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
