So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
