The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
