Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
