the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
