And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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