If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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