my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
