watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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