I accidentally burped into my bong.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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