I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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