dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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