Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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