i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Houston, we have a squirter
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
