Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
