Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
