I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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