I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
