You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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