I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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