your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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