We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
