HIV tests are more positive than that guy
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
