I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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