woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
